Breaking Free from Shame: ADHD, Self-Compassion & Releasing Perfectionism
Shame. It’s a word many of us avoid, yet it lingers quietly in the background, shaping our thoughts and behaviors in ways we often don’t recognize. For women and femmes with ADHD, shame can feel like a constant companion—woven into our lives from an early age, sometimes so subtly that we don’t even realize it's there. It’s the whisper that tells us we’re not trying hard enough, not organized enough, not responsible enough. It’s the weight of unmet expectations, the fear of being seen as lazy or incapable.
Where Shame Begins
Growing up with undiagnosed or unsupported ADHD often means being misunderstood. Maybe you were the “smart but scattered” kid, the one who was praised for potential but criticized for not meeting it. Perhaps you were told you were careless when you forgot assignments or left your things behind. You may have been labeled dramatic or sensitive when emotional overwhelm took over. Or you internalized the idea that your struggles were personal failings rather than symptoms of a brain that processes the world differently.
Without proper support or repair after moments of failure or embarrassment, shame takes root. It becomes an internalized voice—the inner critic that holds us to impossible standards. Many ADHD women develop perfectionist tendencies as a way to avoid the shame of being “messy” or “inconsistent.” We push ourselves to exhaustion, believing that if we just work harder, plan better, or control ourselves more, we’ll finally feel like we’re enough.
But shame doesn’t dissolve through self-punishment. It doesn’t ease when we criticize ourselves into submission. Instead, it tightens its grip, making self-compassion feel foreign, even threatening.
Why Self-Compassion Feels Dangerous or Silly to The Inner Critic
For many of us, perfectionism became a survival strategy. If we were always performing, always anticipating mistakes before they happened, we could avoid the sting of criticism. So when we try to introduce self-compassion—when we say, “It’s okay to struggle,” or “I’m allowed to make mistakes”—our nervous system may react with fear.
Shame doesn’t trust self-compassion, because it was built to protect us. It believes that if we stop being hard on ourselves, we’ll become lazy, we’ll fail, or we’ll be rejected. But in reality, self-compassion doesn’t make us weaker—it makes us resilient. It helps us recover from setbacks faster, regulate our emotions, and build sustainable motivation rather than operating from fear.
Healing the Younger You: A Path to Self-Trust
So how do we begin to soften the shame and embrace self-compassion? One of the most powerful ways is to connect with the younger versions of ourselves—the parts of us that were shamed for being too much or not enough.
Try this:
Visualize your younger self. Picture a moment when you felt deep shame as a child, teen, or young adult. Maybe it was a time when you were scolded for daydreaming, called irresponsible for forgetting something important, or laughed at for being too emotional.
Offer comfort. Imagine yourself sitting with that younger version of you. What would you say to her? What did she need to hear back then? Maybe she needed someone to tell her that her brain wasn’t broken, that her worth was never tied to her ability to keep up with neurotypical expectations.
Acknowledge her pain. Let her know that her feelings made sense. That it wasn’t fair for her to carry so much responsibility for things she wasn’t given the tools to manage.
Rewrite the narrative. Instead of repeating old patterns of self-criticism, create a new message: "I am learning to work with my brain, not against it." "I am allowed to be imperfect and still worthy." "I deserve kindness, even when I struggle."
Building Self-Trust: A New Way Forward
The goal isn’t to erase shame overnight—it’s to create a new relationship with it. To show your nervous system that you can still work hard and stay motivated without shame leading the way. That mistakes or changes in your approach to meet your ADHD needs are not failures, but acts of self-awareness and growth.
Over time, as you practice self-compassion, your system will begin to trust that no matter what—whether you succeed or stumble—you will be okay. That you will not abandon yourself. That you are learning to balance effort with self-care, ambition with gentleness, and structure with flexibility.
And most importantly, that you are worthy of love and belonging, exactly as you are.
Journal Prompts for Deeper Self-Reflection:
When did I first start feeling shame around my ADHD traits? What messages did I receive about them?
How does my inner critic try to protect me? What is it afraid will happen if I stop striving for perfection?
What is one small way I can offer myself compassion when I make a mistake or struggle with ADHD-related challenges?
If I could speak to my younger self, what words of kindness and reassurance would I offer her?
Shame may have shaped your past, but it doesn’t have to define your future. Healing begins with self-compassion—one gentle step at a time.
Breaking Free From Shame: ADHD Therapy for Women in Colorado
If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly falling behind, overthinking everything, or stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and frustration, you’re not alone. So many women—whether they’ve been formally diagnosed with ADHD, suspect they might have it, or just relate to the struggles of executive function challenges and anxiety—find themselves pushing harder, trying to keep up, and feeling exhausted in the process.
Shame can be a sneaky companion in all of this, showing up as perfectionism, procrastination, emotional overwhelm, or even the fear of being “too much” or “not enough.” But here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck in that cycle. Therapy, especially through an approach like Internal Family Systems (IFS), can help untangle these patterns, build self-compassion, and make life feel a little less heavy.
If any of this resonates, I’d love to connect. You deserve support from someone who truly understands the unique challenges women with ADHD face—and who can help you find new ways to move forward with confidence, clarity, and self-kindness. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation.