The Unexpeted Ways Grief Can Show up in The Transition to Motherhood
Grieving can show up in unexpected ways during the perinatal period and into motherhood. This can have a significant impact on a mother’s overall mood and relationships. Here are some ways in which grief can affect mothers:
Loss of Self: Motherhood often brings about a shift in a woman's identity as she takes on the role of caregiver and nurturer. However, when faced with unexpected life circumstances or significant changes, such as divorce, health issues, or career disruptions, mothers may experience a sense of loss of their former self. They may mourn the aspects of their identity, such as personal goals, career aspirations, or hobbies, that have been put on hold or have become unattainable. This can lead to feelings of sadness, frustration, or a loss of purpose.
Changes in Identity: Mothers may grieve the changes in their identity that come with the responsibilities of parenthood. They may mourn the loss of spontaneity, independence, or the ability to pursue personal interests freely. Adjusting to the new roles and expectations can be challenging, and the grieving process can involve reconciling the previous self with the current identity as a mother.
Breastfeeding Grief: Breastfeeding, while celebrated as a natural part of motherhood, can also be a source of grief for some mothers. Challenges such as low milk supply, painful nursing, or difficulties in establishing a breastfeeding routine can evoke feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Mothers may grieve the inability to provide their babies with breast milk or the stress and physical discomfort associated with breastfeeding.
Grief Around Loss of Lifestyle: Motherhood often necessitates significant adjustments in one's lifestyle. Mothers may mourn the loss of spontaneity, the ability to travel freely, or the freedom to engage in activities that were once part of their regular routine or a valuable sources of self-care, like long workouts. Socializing and maintaining friendships may also become more challenging, leading to feelings of isolation and nostalgia for pre-motherhood life.
Grieving Unfulfilled Expectations: Mothers may grieve the parental experiences they envisioned but were unable to have due to various reasons, such as infertility, pregnancy complications, breastfeeding complication, or difficulties in the parent-child relationship. This form of grief can be particularly poignant as it involves mourning the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations surrounding pregnancy, childbirth, and the overall perinatal and parenting journeys. Mothers may feel a deep sense of longing, sadness, or even resentment towards the experiences they wished they could have had.
Grieving Unfulfilled Ambitions and Career Setbacks: Mothers may experience grief when they have unfulfilled career ambitions or aspirations that were put on hold or compromised due to the demands of motherhood. They may mourn the loss of professional opportunities for growth, advancements, momentum, or the career trajectory they envisioned for themselves. They may also face challenges of re-entering the workforce after a hiatus or face challenges in accessing training, development opportunities, or mentorship due to the constraints of their caregiving responsibilities. This can lead to the feeling of being left behind or undervalued.
Complex Emotional Responses:
Grieving the loss of self, changes in identity, or unfulfilled parental experiences can trigger a range of complex emotions. Mothers may experience a mix of sadness, anger, guilt, irritability, and a sense of inadequacy. They may feel conflicted, as they love their children deeply but also yearn for the aspects of their previous life or different parenting experiences.
Impact on Mental Health:
The grief associated with loss of self and unfulfilled expectations can contribute to mental health challenges, such as depression, anxiety, relationship issues, or feelings of low self-worth. It is important for mothers experiencing these types of grief to seek support and validation from loved ones, therapists, or support groups who can provide understanding and empathy. Engaging in creative practice and self-care activities, exploring new interests, or seeking professional guidance can also help in the process of healing and finding a renewed sense of self and purpose.