What is Maternal Gatekeeping & Why Does it Happen?
Maternal gatekeeping refers to the behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs that some mother’s exhibit in relation to parenting tasks and responsibilities. It involves a mothers's tendency to control or limit the involvement of others, typically the father other co-parent, in parenting activities or decision-making processes. It's important to note that parental gatekeeping doesn't always arise from negative intentions. Many mothers genuinely want what's best for their children, but it's crucial to recognize when gatekeeping becomes extreme. When left unchecked it can contribute to an unequal distribution of parenting responsibilities, create tension in the relationship, and negatively impact the overall well-being of both parents and the child. This can be especially challenging for mothers when they return to work and create ultimately lead to burnout and resentment.
Open communication, mutual respect, shared decision-making, and a fair distribution of responsibilities are crucial for fostering a healthy and collaborative parenting environment.
strike a balance between caring for their child's well-being and fostering a healthy co-parenting relationship that allows both parents to actively participate and contribute to the child's upbringing.
Causes of Parental Gatekeeping
Parental gatekeeping can arise from a combination of psychological, social, and cultural factors. These causes are not mutually exclusive and can interact in complex ways. Here are some common causes of maternal gatekeeping:
Perceived Responsibility: Many parents, especially mothers, feel a strong sense of responsibility for their children's well-being, which can lead them to believe that they are the primary or sole caregivers. This perception can result in a reluctance to relinquish control or share responsibilities with others.
Cultural and Societal Norms: Societal expectations about gender roles often cast mothers as the primary caregivers and fathers as less involved. Cultural norms and stereotypes can reinforce these roles, shaping maternal gatekeeping behaviors and attitudes.
Personal Identity and Fulfillment: Some parents derive a significant portion of their identity and fulfillment from their role as caregivers. This can lead to resistance in sharing or relinquishing these responsibilities to others, including the father.
Fear of Judgment: Parents may fear being judged by others, including their peers or family members, for the way their child is cared for. This fear can result in them closely guarding their role as the primary caregiver to avoid criticism.
Parenting Perfectionism: A desire to provide the best possible care for their children can lead some parents to believe that their approach is superior. They may think that only they know the "right" way to do things, leading to reluctance in accepting help from others.
Lack of Trust: Parental gatekeeping can stem from a lack of trust in the abilities of the co-parent or other caregivers. This lack of trust might be grounded in a belief that others won't meet the same standards of care.
Control and Autonomy: The need for control and autonomy can play a role in maternal gatekeeping. Some mothers may feel a sense of control and accomplishment when they handle parenting tasks themselves.
Past Experiences: Negative past experiences or traumas related to parenting, either personal or observed, can influence mothers to be more protective and controlling in their caregiving role.
Parenting Knowledge: A difference in parenting knowledge and education can contribute to parental gatekeeping. If a mother feels more informed about child-rearing, she might take on a more dominant role in caregiving.
Lack of Support: A lack of support from the co-parent or extended family can lead parents to assume more responsibilities out of necessity, inadvertently leading to maternal gatekeeping behaviors.
What Does Parental Gatekeeping Look Like?
Maternal gatekeeping can manifest in various ways, such as:
Micromanaging: A mother might excessively supervise and control how others care for the child, believing that her way is the only right way.
Criticism: She might criticize or correct the father's caregiving techniques, making him feel inadequate or discouraged.
Relinquishing Control: In some cases, mothers might find it difficult to let go of control over certain parenting tasks, preventing the father from taking an active role.
Exclusion: A mother might intentionally exclude the father from caregiving activities, reinforcing the belief that she is the primary caregiver.
Undermining Confidence: Maternal gatekeeping can undermine the father's confidence in his parenting abilities, leading to reduced involvement and participation.
Assuming Sole Responsibility: The mother might assume that only she knows how to take care of the child properly, disregarding the father's capabilities.
Gender Stereotypes: Societal norms and gender stereotypes can play a role in reinforcing maternal gatekeeping, where mothers are expected to be the primary caregivers while fathers are seen as less competent in parenting.
What Does Parental Gatekeeping Sound Like?
Here are some examples of what maternal gatekeeping may sound like:
"I'll just handle this, it's faster."
This comment suggests that the mother believes she can complete a parenting task more efficiently than the father, diminishing his involvement.
"Let me do it, you might not know how."
This implies that the father is incapable of performing the task correctly, undermining his confidence and discouraging his participation.
"I've got more experience, so I'll take care of it."
This statement asserts the mother's superiority in parenting knowledge, making the father feel inadequate and reinforcing her role as the primary caregiver.
"I know the baby's routine better than you do."
This comment implies that the father lacks understanding of the child's schedule, limiting his involvement in caregiving decisions.
"You're holding him wrong, let me show you."
By correcting the father's approach to holding the child, this comment can make him feel judged and less capable.
"It's easier for me to handle this; you'll just make a mess of it."
This dismisses the father's ability to handle parenting tasks effectively and creates a perception that his efforts are undesirable.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of bath time. You might forget something."
By assuming that the father is forgetful or inept, this comment discourages his involvement in important caregiving activities.
"I've read all the books and articles on parenting, so I know best."
This comment asserts the mother's knowledge and positions her as the sole authority on parenting decisions.
"Just leave this to me; you won't be able to manage it on your own."
By questioning the father's ability to handle a task independently, this comment discourages him from taking initiative.
"I've always done this, so it's better if I continue."
This statement reinforces the status quo and discourages the father or other caretaker from participating in parenting tasks that the mother traditionally handles.
It's important to note that parental gatekeeping isn't universal; many parents share parenting responsibilities and collaborate effectively. However, when parental gatekeeping becomes extreme, it can contribute to an unequal distribution of parenting responsibilities, create tension and strain in the relationship, and impact the overall well-being of both parents and the child. Open communication, mutual respect, shared decision-making, and a fair distribution of responsibilities are crucial for fostering a healthy and collaborative parenting environment.