The 6 Acts of the Shame Cycle: How to Recognize and Heal Through IFS Therapy
Diagram created by Natasha Wilson | Stround Therapy.
Shame is an emotion that runs deep and often hides in the background of many struggles we face in life. Regardless of the presenting issues or reasons that bring people into therapy, shame is frequently the driving force. For many of the women I work with, shame takes on a very particular form. It doesn't always look like an overt emotion; rather, it manifests in ways that deeply influence our thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. One powerful framework for understanding and working with this hidden emotion is Martha Sweezy's Internal Family Systems (IFS) Shame Cycle.
This model, which is rooted in the IFS approach, explores how different parts of the self can get caught in cycles that perpetuate shame. In this blog post, we'll dive deep into the IFS Shame Cycle, breaking down its stages, identifying the different roles people take on, and exploring how these patterns show up in both internal experiences and external behaviors. The goal is to offer clarity and insight into how these patterns form and how we can break free from them.
The Six Acts of the IFS Shame Cycle
Martha Sweezy’s IFS Shame Cycle is divided into six distinct “acts,” each one representing a specific set of responses to the underlying sense of shame. Most people experience these acts to varying degrees, but for many of the women I work with, acts three and four are the most pronounced, manifesting in self-criticism, perfectionism, and anxiety-driven behaviors. However, the entire cycle can show up in subtle and complex ways that impact various areas of life. Let’s take a closer look at each act.
Act 1: Injury (A Bad Thing Happens)
The shame cycle often begins with an injury—something happens that triggers feelings of failure, rejection, or inadequacy. This injury could be external, like a critical comment, a mistake at work, or a moment of rejection. It could also be internal, like remembering an old wound or rehashing a past experience where you felt unworthy.
In this stage, your “Exiled” parts—those vulnerable, wounded aspects of you—are activated. These parts carry the pain of past experiences and may feel overwhelming when brought to the surface. You might feel a pit in your stomach, a lump in your throat, or a sudden urge to hide or shut down.
Act 2: Acceptance (I Am Bad)
From the initial injury, the shame quickly deepens into a belief: This isn’t just something bad that happened; I am bad. This act is where shame embeds itself into your identity.
You might think, “Of course this happened—I’m not good enough,” or, “If I had tried harder, this wouldn’t have happened.” These beliefs are not true, but they feel true because they’ve been reinforced over time. Your Exiled parts carry these painful self-perceptions, and the weight of them can feel crushing.
Act 3: Critics Go Large (It’s True—You Are Bad, But You Can Do Better)
In an attempt to manage or fix the shame, your inner critics take center stage. These critical parts may sound harsh and unforgiving, telling you that you need to work harder, be better, or avoid messing up again.
The self-criticism might sound like:
“You’re so careless; why didn’t you do better?”
“If you keep failing, no one will respect you.”
The critics believe they are protecting you by pushing you to improve, but their harshness only reinforces the shame. Instead of feeling motivated, you feel smaller and more trapped.
Act 4: Anticipatory Scouts (Never Again)
By now, anxiety starts to take over, driving perfectionistic or people-pleasing behaviors as a way to prevent future shame. This stage is often where women overcompensate, trying to control their environment or themselves to avoid ever feeling this kind of pain again.
You might:
Work overtime to ensure every detail is perfect.
Say yes to everything, even when you’re overwhelmed.
Constantly monitor yourself for mistakes or signs of inadequacy.
These strategies may offer temporary relief, but they keep you stuck in a hypervigilant state, always bracing for the next injury.
Act 5: Warrior Mutiny or Bully (It’s Not Me, It’s You)
When the pressure becomes too much, the shame cycle can shift outward, and protective parts may go on the offensive. Instead of directing criticism inward, you project it outward to avoid feeling the pain yourself.
This might look like:
Blaming others for mistakes.
Snapping at loved ones or colleagues.
Becoming defensive or argumentative when you feel threatened.
While these reactions may temporarily shield you from shame, they can harm your relationships and deepen feelings of disconnection or regret.
Act 6: The Rescue Team (Feel Better—For Now)
Finally, when the shame and tension become unbearable, your "rescue team" steps in to numb, distract, or soothe you. These firefighters aim to help you survive the overwhelming feelings, but their methods are often unhealthy or unsustainable.
Common rescue strategies include:
Doomscrolling on social media.
Binge eating or excessive drinking.
Overindulging in TV, video games, or shopping.
Using substances or engaging in risky behaviors.
While these coping mechanisms may provide temporary relief, they don’t address the root of the shame. Instead, they perpetuate the cycle, leaving you feeling more stuck and disconnected.
Breaking the Cycle with IFS Therapy
The shame cycle can feel inescapable, but healing is possible. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a compassionate and effective framework for working with the different parts of yourself caught in this cycle.
Often, when people seek therapy, they are struggling with the protective parts—the managers and firefighters—that work tirelessly to keep the pain of shame at bay. These parts may show up as harsh inner critics, perfectionistic tendencies, people-pleasing behaviors, or unhealthy coping strategies like numbing or avoidance.
Rather than trying to silence or fight these protective parts, IFS therapy begins by acknowledging and respecting them. These protectors act out of a deep desire to help you survive, even if their methods sometimes cause harm.
The process usually looks something like this:
Strengthening the Core Self: Central to IFS is the concept of the core Self—a compassionate, wise, and grounded inner presence. As you work with your parts, your connection to the Self grows stronger. The Self serves as the leader and healer, helping to break the shame cycle and create a sense of balance and harmony within.
Building Trust with Protectors: The first step in therapy is to build a relationship with your protectors. By listening to them with curiosity and compassion, they begin to feel safe enough to share their intentions and allow space for exploration. These parts often carry a sense of urgency or mistrust, and therapy helps them feel supported and understood, rather than criticized or dismissed.
Exploring the Exiles: As the protectors begin to trust the therapeutic process, they may allow you to connect with the more vulnerable parts of yourself—the Exiles. These are the wounded parts that hold the pain of past experiences, like feelings of rejection, failure, or inadequacy. The protectors have worked so hard to shield these parts that they often feel hidden or locked away.
Healing the Exiles: Through guided exploration, you can connect with your Exiles and help them release the pain and burdens they’ve carried. This healing process often involves revisiting the origins of shame and providing those Exiles with the compassion, validation, and support they didn’t receive at the time.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing the Exiles releases the weight of the past, allowing the protective parts to relax their roles. This creates a new dynamic where all parts of yourself can collaborate, rather than being caught in cycles of shame and defense. With this shift, you can move forward with greater self-compassion, confidence, and freedom.
While it may feel frustrating to start with protectors rather than diving straight into the deeper wounds, this approach honors your system’s natural defenses. Protectors are there for a reason—they’ve helped you survive. By respecting their roles and working with them first, you create a safe and sustainable path for healing.
How IFS Therapy Can Help
The IFS Shame Cycle can feel like a never-ending loop, but with the right support, it is possible to break free from it. Working through the cycle often involves several steps:
Recognizing the Cycle: Understanding the pattern of how shame activates and how it shows up in various acts is the first step. Awareness is key.
Identifying Parts of Self: Through IFS therapy, individuals learn to separate their true selves from the internal parts (like the self-critic or anxious protector) that are caught in these cycles. It’s about unblending from these parts and understanding their protective roles.
Self-Compassion and Validation: Shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion is essential. Instead of blaming oneself for feeling shame, therapy helps individuals practice self-validation and embrace imperfections with kindness.
Healing Trauma: For many, the shame cycle is rooted in past trauma. Therapy can help process these traumas in a safe and supportive environment, allowing the individual to heal and release the grip of shame.
Building Healthier Coping Mechanisms: As individuals learn to identify unhealthy coping strategies, therapy supports them in developing healthier ways to cope with difficult emotions, such as practicing mindfulness, engaging in self-care, and setting healthy boundaries.
Embracing a Path Toward Healing: IFS Therapy in For Collins, Co
Shame is often the invisible thread that runs through many of our emotional struggles, from self-criticism to perfectionism to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Understanding the IFS Shame Cycle provides valuable insight into how these patterns unfold and how they can be addressed in therapy. By becoming aware of the six acts in the cycle, we can begin to separate our true selves from the parts that are stuck in shame. Through this process, healing becomes possible—leading to greater self-compassion, healthier relationships, and a life where shame no longer holds the same power.
If you find yourself resonating with the experiences shared here, know that you are not alone. Therapy, particularly through the lens of IFS, can offer a supportive and compassionate space to work through these difficult emotions and create lasting change.