The Anxiety-Shame Cycle: Why Self-Judgment Keeps You Stuck and How to Break Free
Anxiety is hard enough on its own—but when shame enters the picture, it creates a cycle that keeps us stuck. You feel anxious, then ashamed for feeling that way, which only makes the anxiety worse. The result? A relentless loop of self-doubt, frustration, and emotional exhaustion.
But what if the problem isn’t the anxiety itself, but how we relate to it? When we begin to understand the deeper workings of our nervous system, our inner parts (as seen through the Internal Family Systems lens), and the role of self-compassion, we can break free from this cycle and find relief that lasts.
Understanding the Anxiety-Shame Loop
The anxiety-shame cycle follows a predictable pattern:
Anxiety arises – Your body perceives a threat (whether real or imagined) and activates your stress response.
Shame follows – You judge yourself for feeling anxious: “I shouldn’t be this stressed,” or “Other people have real problems.”
Increased anxiety – The shame itself triggers further anxiety, as you worry about why you feel this way or how others might perceive you.
Reinforcement of shame – This self-judgment creates more distress, making you feel even more stuck, overwhelmed, and isolated.
This loop persists because shame acts as an internal critic, reinforcing the belief that our anxiety is a personal failing rather than a normal, biological response.
Anxiety Isn’t a Choice—It’s Biology
Anxiety isn’t something you consciously decide to experience—it’s a physiological response rooted in the nervous system. Your brain’s amygdala (the alarm system) perceives danger and signals your body to respond. Meanwhile, your prefrontal cortex (the logical part of your brain) struggles to keep up, especially if you have a history of chronic stress or trauma.
But the problem isn’t just your brain—it’s how you interpret your anxiety. When shame enters the mix, it hijacks your ability to self-soothe, keeping your nervous system in a prolonged state of dysregulation.
How IFS Helps Us Understand Our Anxious Parts
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, anxiety isn’t just a “thing” you experience—it’s a part of you that’s trying to protect you. Often, this part developed in response to past experiences where feeling anxious served a purpose, like avoiding failure, keeping you safe, or maintaining control.
Shame, in this model, is often another part—one that criticizes you in an attempt to keep you in line. It’s not there to punish you; it’s trying (albeit ineffectively) to protect you from perceived rejection or failure.
When we start to see anxiety and shame as parts of us rather than defining characteristics, we can shift from self-judgment to self-understanding.
Breaking Free: Moving from Shame to Self-Compassion
So, how do we stop this cycle? By shifting our relationship with anxiety from one of judgment to one of curiosity and care.
Recognize Anxiety and Shame as Separate Parts
Instead of saying, “I am anxious,” try saying, “A part of me is feeling anxious right now.” This subtle shift creates space between you and your emotions, allowing you to engage with them more compassionately.
Regulate Your Nervous System
Since anxiety is biological, managing it requires more than just “thinking positive.” Try:
Deep breathing (activates the parasympathetic nervous system)
Grounding exercises (engages the senses to bring you back to the present)
Movement (releases stored tension)
Cold exposure (stimulates the vagus nerve to promote relaxation)
Offer Yourself Compassion Instead of Criticism
When shame arises, try speaking to yourself as you would a close friend. Instead of “Why am I like this?” ask, “What does this anxious part of me need right now?”
Work with, Not Against, Your Anxiety
Your anxiety isn’t your enemy—it’s a signal. Instead of suppressing it, try asking: “What is this part trying to protect me from?” Often, simply acknowledging this can begin to soften its intensity.
Anxiety Therapy for Women in Fort Collins, Colorado
If you’re ready to stop battling anxiety and start working with your nervous system, I offer specialized therapy for women in Fort Collins, Colorado. My approach combines Internal Family Systems (IFS), nervous system regulation, and mindfulness to help you build a more compassionate and sustainable relationship with yourself.
How Anxiety Therapy It Works:
✔ Step 1: Book a free 30-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit.
✔ Step 2: Schedule your first session and complete a simple intake process.
✔ Step 3: Start working on your anxiety, gaining insight, and developing self-compassionate strategies that actually work.
Ready to break the cycle? Schedule your free consultation today and take the first step toward feeling more grounded, confident, and at ease in your own skin.
Alexis Ryan, MA, LPCC is a Fort Collins-based therapist who helps high-achieving and high-masking women overcome anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. She specializes in guiding clients toward deeper self-understanding and building more authentic, trusting relationships with themselves, their work, and those they care about. Through a somatic, IFS-informed, and compassionate approach, Alexis empowers women to let go of self-doubt, embrace their values, and live in a more embodied, aligned way.
Outside of her practice, Alexis enjoys exploring Colorado’s trails; listening to engaging literary fiction, cozy rom-coms, and fun fantasy novels; cuddling her tow fur babies; and staying grounded through art, movement, and meaningful conenction with friends and loved ones.