Abandoning the Myth of Work-Family Balance
As a working mother, the elusive quest for work-life balance is just another example of how moms are so often misled. But what’s the alternative?
Balance is a pervasive idea that catches many women by the hook. And why not? It promises a life were you have equal and ample time to everything in your life that matters - to be present with our children, have romantic date nights, cook nourishing meals for the family made from scratch, keep a clean house, have an active lifestyle, maintain a lively social life, spend quality fostering our hobbies… ALL while maintaining a fulfilling, purpose-driven job that wasn’t impacted in slightest by your decision to have kids.
Sounds nice, right?
But truth is work-life balance is an outdated myth, an idea sold to a vulnerable population who is bound by unrealistic standards and misguided cultural and familial expectations. For most working mothers in corporate America, the expectation is to mother as if you don’t work and work as if you don’t mother.
So what is a working mother to do?
Let’s begin by replacing balance with something else. Perhaps something that is more fluid? Something that is able to ebb and flow and evolve with the changes of life? Because let’s face it, as a working mom your priorities are ever changing. You are constantly reevaluating what is most important in any given in order to calculate the best decision. That’s were the real work is. Getting really good at examining your responsbilitilies and priorities
A dear friend of mine once provided the following visual to understand this concept. Imagine each of your responsibilities is a ball and you are juggling all theses balls, with more balls being added over time and others dropping out as life evolves and changes. Now it may very well be possible to maintain this juggling act for a short while, but eventually you are going to drop one or more of those balls whether you want to or not. The choice then, is deciding which balls are glass and which are rubber. IN other words, which will shatter when they fall and which will bounce ball or at the very least fall flat, either to be left alone or picked back up again at a later date.
So how do you decide which balls are glass and which are not? This is where the real work comes in.
In a world were we are inundated with social pressures and cultural messaging, it can be difficult to identify what is most important, but at the end of the day it is YOUR job to sift through all the clutter and get clear on what is most important to YOU and your family. Do you have a deadline for work? Do you have sick kids home that need your attention? Are you unable to pay the bills?
Try This:
Start by listing out all you responsibilities on a piece of paper. A full brain dump. See if you are able to categorize them based on level of priority, pulling out the non-negotiables or high priority tasks. You could also split it up based on what you need to get done, what others needs you to do, and what you want to do. If you find this easy, great! Try experimenting with this regularly to help you be more intentional with your daily/weekly tasks. However, if you’re like most moms, you’ll likely struggle to place a value on any given tasks because for most women, we are conditioned to prioritize it all. Everything is high priority.
So how can you get clear on what’s most important? How do we start to challenge that its all top priority? This is where values come in.
Clarifying Your Values
It is very difficult to prioritize tasks if you are not first very clear on your values. Values are individual beliefs that motivate people to act one way or another. They help guide us in decision making and ultimately move us towards a more aligned way of living and interacting with the world. If our values are not aligned with our actions, the chances of successfully navigating work and family life are reduced significantly. Another way to think about values is to think about your why? What makes it worth it?
So how familiar are you with you values? Below are various resources to explore your personal and professional values:
Values Checklist by Russ Harris
Reminder, it is important to stop and ask yourself - Is this my value or someone else’s? Is this a priority for me or someone else?
Once you are clear on you values, you are one step closer to getting clear on your priorities!
The transition to parenthood is a massive life change and just one example of how priorities can rapidly change and evolve. This is why it can be helpful to check in with yourself regularly to decide where and how to invest your time and energy.