Why Saying No Feels Hard: Overcoming Guilt and Discomfort in Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel like stepping into uncharted territory, especially for those of us who have spent years trying to please others or avoid conflict. As a therapist, I often work with high-achieving, perfectionistic, and anxiety-prone women who struggle with boundary-setting. They often find themselves overwhelmed, drained, and resentful because they are constantly saying “yes” to everything and everyone—even when it takes a toll on their well-being. If this resonates with you, you're not alone.
In my practice, I see three main areas where boundary-setting is especially challenging: at work, with family (particularly parents), and with partners or significant others. These are often the people we care about most, and the idea of saying "no" to them feels like it could break those relationships. Add to that the fear of losing social acceptance or jeopardizing our livelihood, and the anxiety around setting boundaries intensifies. That’s why it’s so important to start small, with the understanding that boundaries aren’t about rejecting others; they’re about honoring your needs and creating space for healthier, more authentic relationships.
In this post, we’ll explore:
Understanding boundaries through IFS
Why setting boundaries is so hard
Tips for setting healthy boundaries
Real-life examples from my work as an IFS-informed therapist
Understanding the Three Types of Boundaries
Before diving into IFS-informed tips for setting boundaries, it’s important to distinguish between three types of boundaries:
Too porous: These boundaries are overly flexible or nonexistent, making it difficult to say "no" or enforce personal limits. You might find yourself constantly overwhelmed, drained, or resentful because you’re saying “yes” when you should be saying “no.”
Too rigid: These boundaries are inflexible, cold, and unyielding. While they might initially feel like a protective shield, they often lead to emotional isolation, difficulty in relationships, and feelings of loneliness.
Just right: These are healthy, balanced boundaries that protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being while allowing for connection, flexibility, and compassion. These boundaries help you prioritize your needs without shutting others out.
Now, let's explore how we can set "just right" boundaries using insights from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, which helps us understand and work with the various parts of ourselves that influence our behavior.
Understanding Boundaries Through IFS
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic model that views the mind as made up of different “parts” that each have their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Some of these parts serve protective roles, while others may be vulnerable and need nurturing. These parts have often developed in response to past experiences and are designed to protect us in specific ways. Some of these parts may serve us well in certain situations, while others may get in the way when it comes to setting boundaries.
When it comes to boundary-setting, we all have parts that play significant roles. For example, the People-Pleaser part is a common one for many high-achieving women. It works hard to ensure that others are happy, often at the expense of its own needs. When you try to set a boundary, the People-Pleaser part might panic, fearing that saying "no" will cause rejection, conflict, or a loss of approval. It believes that by saying “yes” to others, we can keep everyone happy and avoid discomfort. The problem is that this part doesn’t always know when to say “no” in order to protect your emotional, mental, and physical well-being.
Other parts, like the Critical Inner Voice, might judge you for being “selfish” or “lazy” when you set a boundary, making you feel guilty for taking care of yourself. On the flip side, your others parts may push you to create overly rigid boundaries to defend against any perceived threat—whether that’s rejection, discomfort, or the fear of losing a job or relationship.
The IFS approach teaches us to identify, acknowledge, and work with these different parts (rather than against them), leveraging those that help us feel empowered to set boundaries while taking care of the anxious parts that fear rejection or conflict. When we do this, we begin to rewire old patterns and develop the confidence and resilience to set healthy boundaries while creating healthier, more balanced relationships with ourselves and others.
Why Setting Boundaries is So Hard
At its core, setting boundaries can feel like a threat to our survival. We fear that if we don’t please others, we might lose our job, our status, or our relationships. This survival instinct makes boundary-setting feel like a threat, which is why it’s so hard to do. These aspects are often tied to survival needs like financial security, social belonging, and emotional connection, which can make it feel impossible to say "no" without jeopardizing these fundamental needs. While it may seem counterintuative, when our mind and body struggle to set healthy boundaries, it’s grounded in a deeper instinct to protect ourselves. When we can acknoeldge that and help our parts realize we want the same things, just a different idea of how to get there, it create opportunity to collaroation with Sel rather than feeling like were working against the grain so much. I’m not saying is still won’t feel hard or scary, but it’s a lot more effective than rely on shear willpower alone!
There are several psychological and emotional factors that make boundary-setting challenging:
Fear of Rejection
Saying "no" often triggers a deep fear of letting others down, being disliked, or being abandoned. This fear is rooted in childhood experiences where love and attention were conditional and approval from others was crucial for survival or maintaining self-worth. The idea of disappointing someone or losing them can feel like an existential threat, even in adulthood or when we logincally know it's necessary for our own well-being.
Guilt & Shame
Many people feel an overwhelming sense of guilt when they assert a boundary. The worry is that they’re being selfish or letting someone down, especially if they have a strong sense of duty to their family or work. This guilt can tap into deeper feelings of shame—"I did something bad" can quickly spiral into "I am bad." These feelings often originate in childhood, where being seen as selfish was framed as wrong or shameful, or are deeply influenced by cultural norms that prioritize the collective good over individual needs.
Physical Discomfort
Setting boundaries isn’t just a mental challenge; it can lead to real, physical discomfort. If we’ve spent years or even decades ignoring our own needs, asserting limits can bring up a wave of anxiety, tension, and unease. This might show up as an upset stomach, a racing heart, shaking/trembling, rumination, excessive tearfulness, or even dissociation when the boundary isn’t well-received. It can feel like our body is fighting against us when, in fact, it’s just reacting to the stress of change.
Fear of Conflict
Many people fear that setting boundaries will lead to tension, arguments, or conflict, especially if they avoid confrontation or prioritize peace. This fear often reflects a lack of confidence or clarity in expressing needs without becoming overwhelmed. When unsure of how to communicate effectively, we may resort to unhealthy coping strategies. While conflict can feel uncomfortable, it’s important to recognize that expressing boundaries doesn’t have to harm relationships—it can be done in a way that respects both our needs and connections with others.
Financial Concerns & Career Pressures
Financial stability is another huge factor that complicates boundary-setting. Fear of losing income or career opportunities makes it hard to say “no” to work demands. In many professional environments, there’s an unspoken expectation to constantly overperform, take on extra work, or prove your worth by saying “yes” to every opportunity. The fear of falling behind or missing out on promotions can drive people to neglect their own boundaries, even if it means compromising their well-being.
Cultural Factors
As a therapist, I’d be remiss not to also acknowledge the cultural aspects that can make boundary-setting even more complex. When working with clients, especially women from diverse backgrounds, I often see how cultural influences play a significant role in how boundaries are perceived and practiced. In some cultures, saying “no” may be perceived as selfish, disrespectful, or disloyal to family or community. The cultural value of self-sacrifice often makes it difficult to assert personal needs without feeling guilty or like a failure. In these situations, boundaries can feel like acts of rebellion, which can trigger fears of alienation or criticism from loved ones or the community. Balancing cultural expectations with personal well-being requires deep reflection and clarity, as well as resilience and self-compassion.
Sense of Worth Tied to “Yes”
For some, their sense of self-worth is deeply tied to constantly saying "yes" and overextending themselves for others. The idea of setting limits can feel like they’re betraying their identity or role within their family, work, or social circle. It’s hard to prioritize your own needs without feeling guilty if you’ve spent your life proving your value through self-sacrifice.
Fear of Missing Out
Saying "no" can also bring up the fear of missing out—on opportunities, relationships, or experiences. Whether it’s an exciting work project, a social event, or the chance to advance your career, turning down an opportunity can feel like you’re losing something important, which can lead to feelings of regret or anxiety. This fear can make it hard to set boundaries, especially when the consequences of saying no seem like they could affect your success or future prospects.
Understanding that these feelings are normal responses to challenging long-established survival mechanisms can help you approach the process of boundary-setting with more self-compassion and patience.
Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries isn’t about being rigid or rejecting others. It's about honoring your needs, building self-respect, and finding a balance between your well-being and your relationships. By understanding and respecting your emotional landscape, you can set boundaries that protect your energy while still fostering connection and growth in your relationships.
Here are some IFS-informed tips to help you set boundaries with compassion and confidence:
Acknowledge Your Parts
Before setting a boundary, take a moment to check in with yourself. Which part of you is speaking right now? Is it the People-Pleaser? The Protector? Or perhaps the part of you that fears judgment or rejection? These inner parts are at play when we navigate difficult situations. Acknowledging these parts can help you approach boundary-setting with awareness and compassion. Understanding that your internal voices are just that—voices that don’t need to dictate your actions—helps you stand firm in your decisions without feeling overwhelmed by your emotions.
Comfort the Fearful Parts
When the People-Pleaser or other fearful parts show up, offer reassurance. You can gently tell yourself, “I have people who love and support me,” or "I can handle the discomfort that comes with setting this boundary." If words alone aren’t enough, you might ask these parts if they’d like to sit down with you and map out a plan, so they can feel confident in your ability to stay grounded, regardless of any discomfort or how others may respond. To take it a step further, you could set an intention to practice self-soothing, grounding, or goal-oriented actions ahead of time—these actions will feel more familiar and natural when the moment arrives. Comforting these parts in this way helps you move through the fear and guilt without letting them control your behavior.
Leverage Empowered Parts
We all have empowered parts within us—those confident, assertive, or nurturing sides that help us express our needs with clarity and compassion. Tap into these empowered parts to remind yourself that setting boundaries is a necessary act of self-care and preservation. Let these parts guide you in expressing your needs without guilt, reinforcing the truth that your well-being matters.
Practice Saying No in Small Ways
If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, start small. Saying “no” to something minor, like a request to meet up when you’re too tired, is a good starting point. This small act helps you build your boundary-setting muscles without overwhelming your system. Over time, you'll gain confidence, reduce discomfort, and realize that saying no doesn't diminish your worth—it’s a way to protect your time and energy.
Clarify Your Values and Create Guiding Principles
Rather than having rigid rules, create guiding principles that reflect your values and needs. For example, a principle might be, “I will prioritize my well-being before meeting others’ expectations,” or “I will only take on work that aligns with my values and bandwidth.” These guiding principles offer flexibility and help you stay aligned with your core beliefs. They ensure that your boundaries are an expression of your personal values, not just reactions to outside pressures.
Take Care of Yourself When Guilt, Physical Discomfort, or Conflict Arises
It's common to feel physical discomfort (tightness in your chest or stomach), guilt, or internal conflict after setting a boundary. Your nervous system may need some time to process these intense emotions. During these moments, practice self-care. Deep breathing, compassion for yourself, or engaging in a calming activity like meditation or journaling can help soothe your mind and body. Giving yourself permission to feel discomfort while also caring for yourself is a vital part of the boundary-setting process.
Allow for Exceptions
Healthy boundaries are not about being perfect or rigid. They're about honoring your needs while respecting the needs of others. Allow for exceptions when it aligns with your values. For example, if a close family member is going through a crisis, you might temporarily break a boundary to offer support. This flexibility prevents you from feeling like you’re being too rigid or selfish. Just remember, exceptions should feel right in the context of your values, not out of a sense of obligation or guilt.
Use “I Statements”
When setting boundaries, “I Statements” are a powerful way to communicate your needs in a non-blaming, non-accusatory way. Using “I” puts the focus on your feelings and needs, which helps prevent unnecessary conflict and promotes understanding. For instance:
Instead of saying, "You never help me, and I’m always the one doing everything. Why can’t you see how much I’m doing?" try: "I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and need more support with this. Can we talk about how we can share the workload?"
Instead of saying, “You’re asking me to do too much. Stop giving me more work,” say: “I’m at capacity right now and can’t take on any new projects.”
These statements allow you to express yourself directly and kindly, creating a space for healthier, more compassionate exchanges.
Understand the Difference Between a Boundary and a Request
It's important to understand that a boundary is not a request or demand—it’s a clear statement about what you will and will not tolerate. A boundary focuses on your actions and limits, such as: “If you continue to speak to me in that tone, I will need to remove myself from the conversation.”
A request, on the other hand, is asking someone to change their behavior, such as: “Please don’t raise your voice at me.” The key difference is that a boundary focuses on what you will do to protect yourself, whereas a request asks the other person to modify their behavior. This distinction helps reduce guilt or fear of conflict when setting boundaries, as you are simply communicating your own needs, not trying to control the behavior of others.
Creating Space for Yourself: Support for Women in Fort Collins, CO
Setting boundaries is such an important step in taking care of yourself and your relationships. It’s all about knowing your limits, communicating them with kindness, and feeling empowered in your own space. I know that boundary setting can be challenging, especially when you’re worried about disappointing others or feeling guilty. But with the right support and guidance, it can become a skill that leads to greater peace of mind and stronger connections.
As a therapist here in Fort Collins, I’m passionate about helping people just like you navigate this process. Together, we can explore what boundaries mean for you—whether it’s at work, in relationships, or with your own inner dialogue. My goal is to help you find clarity and confidence in setting boundaries that feel right for your life, values, and needs.
If this resonates with you and you’re ready to explore how setting boundaries can improve your well-being, I’d love to connect. Reach out and let’s chat about how we can work together to make sure you’re creating the space you deserve. I’m here to support you every step of the way.