Understanding People-Pleasing Through the Lens of IFS and Nervous System Science
Does this scenario sound familiar?
You're with a friend who asks you for a favor. Deep down, you feel overwhelmed—you’ve already got a packed schedule, and saying yes will mean sacrificing your downtime or other commitments. But before you can even think it through, you hear yourself say, “Sure, I can help.” And just like that, your inner people-pleaser has taken the reins once again.
For many of us, people-pleasing isn’t just about saying yes to things we don’t want to do. It's about avoiding discomfort—the tension, guilt, or fear of disappointing others. But over time, when we constantly override our own needs, it can feel like a betrayal of ourselves. This dynamic has deep roots, both in the psyche and in our nervous system.
Understanding People-Pleasing Through IFS
People-pleasing is often a protective response. According to Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, our psyche is made up of multiple "parts," each with its own role and function. The people-pleaser part, as frustrating as it may seem, is not your enemy. It’s simply trying to keep you safe.
Perhaps this part learned early on that compliance equals safety. In childhood, it might have developed in an environment where maintaining peace was a way to avoid conflict. Or maybe it grew out of experiences where saying yes meant gaining acceptance or avoiding rejection. Whatever the source, this part’s job is to prevent emotional discomfort by keeping you from upsetting others, fearing that rejection or disconnection could result from saying no.
In IFS, the goal is not to eliminate this part, but to develop a compassionate relationship with it. When we recognize its protective role, we can learn to help it understand that we no longer need to prioritize others’ needs at the expense of our own well-being.
Nervous System Science: Why Saying "No" Feels So Hard
People-pleasing is not just an emotional or cognitive pattern—it’s deeply linked to the body’s nervous system. When you consider saying no, the body’s nervous system can trigger a “fight, flight, or freeze” response. This is especially true for those with a well-established people-pleasing pattern.
Your nervous system is wired to detect threats—real or perceived—and respond accordingly. When you consider setting a boundary, your nervous system might activate because it perceives a potential emotional threat, like rejection or conflict. This leads to feelings of anxiety, guilt, or fear. For the people-pleaser part, which has learned that maintaining harmony keeps you safe, setting boundaries feels like stepping into danger.
From a neurobiological perspective, the discomfort you feel when setting boundaries is often a response from your autonomic nervous system, which governs the fight-or-flight reaction. When you say "no," the nervous system can interpret it as a threat, triggering feelings of fear or discomfort that might be misinterpreted as something you should avoid.
The science behind this is rooted in the vagus nerve and polyvagal theory, which explains how our nervous system responds to cues of safety or danger. The people-pleasing part tends to keep us in a state of "vagal shutdown" or "sympathetic activation," both of which can heighten stress responses and make boundary-setting feel impossible.
But here’s the empowering part: when you practice setting boundaries, you can train your nervous system to shift out of these protective states. By gradually introducing boundaries with compassion and awareness, you teach your nervous system that emotional discomfort doesn’t equate to danger. Over time, this allows you to develop more resilience, reducing the intensity of the fight-or-flight response.
Boundary-Setting: The Intersection of IFS & Nervous System Regulation
The difficulty of setting boundaries is rooted in both our psychological and physiological states. In IFS, the people-pleaser part is trying to protect you from emotional discomfort, while your nervous system responds as though boundary-setting is a life-threatening situation. It’s no wonder this can feel so challenging!
But what if, instead of fearing the discomfort of setting boundaries, you viewed it as a form of self-respect? What if, by saying "no," you could reassure your people-pleaser part that you’re not rejecting others or risking relationships—you’re simply ensuring your well-being?
This is where the nervous system comes in. By practicing boundary-setting in small, manageable ways, you help recalibrate your nervous system’s response. Instead of triggering an intense “fight-or-flight” reaction, you shift your body into a state of safety and regulation. This process doesn’t happen overnight, but over time, your body learns that you can experience discomfort without it being a threat.
Other Related Posts on Healthy Boundary Setting
Getting to Know Your People-Pleaser Part
In order to set boundaries with compassion and resilience, it’s essential to first understand and connect with your people-pleaser part. This part of you has likely been around for a long time, trying to protect you from rejection, conflict, or uncomfortable feelings. Rather than seeing it as an obstacle, consider it an opportunity to deepen your self-awareness and self-compassion.
Start by noticing when your people-pleaser part shows up. Ask yourself:
What situations trigger this part? Does it emerge when you’re asked to take on more tasks at work or when a friend asks for a favor, even though you’re already overwhelmed?
What physical or emotional cues accompany it? Do you feel tense, anxious, or guilty when you even think about saying no? Maybe you experience a pit in your stomach or a rush of discomfort in social situations where you fear judgment.
By paying attention to these cues, you can recognize when your people-pleaser part is trying to step in. Often, it’s trying to keep you safe from the possibility of conflict or rejection—whether that’s from a boss, friend, or family member. But understanding its role allows you to develop compassion for it.
One of the most powerful tools that Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers is the ability to form a relationship with your internal parts. Instead of fighting against your people-pleaser, you can approach it with curiosity and compassion. Here’s how:
Pause and Notice: When you catch yourself about to say yes when you mean no, take a pause. Breathe deeply and notice what’s happening in your body. Do you feel tightness in your chest or a pit in your stomach? These physical sensations can signal your people-pleaser part is at the helm. Recognizing this moment is the first step toward taking control of your response.
Get Curious: Ask yourself what this part is afraid will happen if you set a boundary. What beliefs is it holding onto? You might uncover fears like, “If I say no, they won’t like me,” or “I’ll let them down and feel guilty.” Listening to these fears with compassion can reveal a deeper understanding of why this part operates the way it does.
Thank the Part: Acknowledge the good intentions of your people-pleaser part. Thank it for trying to keep you safe from conflict or rejection. For example, internally say, “Thank you for trying to protect me from feeling uncomfortable. I see that you are just trying to help.”
Reassure and Negotiate: Share with your people-pleaser part that you’re learning to prioritize your own needs and that it’s okay to feel some discomfort as you practice boundary-setting. Reassure it by saying, “I’ll handle any discomfort that comes up, and it’s okay to let me try saying no this time.” Offering this kind of reassurance helps your people-pleaser part trust that you are capable of handling the situation without compromising your well-being.
Once you understand your people-pleaser part, you can begin to soften your approach toward it. Instead of seeing it as an enemy or something to suppress, try to treat it with curiosity and empathy. It’s doing its best to protect you, even if its protective methods aren’t serving you in the long run. By approaching this part with compassion and understanding, you can begin to break free from old patterns and empower yourself to set healthier, more authentic boundaries.
As you continue to practice, your people-pleaser part will learn that boundaries don’t threaten connection—they strengthen it. Over time, it can begin to relax, allowing you to engage with others in more honest, authentic ways.
Calming the Parts of You Needing Self-Care
Now that you’ve begun to understand your people-pleaser part, the next step is to take action. Setting boundaries can be a challenge, especially when your nervous system is primed to avoid discomfort. However, you can support yourself through the process by tending to your needs in a way that aligns with your values while also nurturing a calm, regulated nervous system. Here's how:
Acknowledge Your Needs: First, take some time to identify what you truly need. Often, people-pleasing patterns arise when we neglect our own needs in favor of others'. Consider what might bring you balance and peace—whether it’s more time for yourself, emotional space, or quiet moments to recharge. Acknowledging these needs is the first step in honoring your boundaries.
Soothing Your Nervous System: When you set a boundary, especially for the first time, your nervous system can activate stress responses. To help calm yourself in those moments, incorporate techniques such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or visualization. For instance, imagine your body surrounded by a warm, protective light or focus on a calming sensation in your hands or feet. These techniques activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps restore a sense of safety and relaxation.
Reassure Yourself: Just as you would reassure your people-pleaser part, it’s important to reassure your nervous system as well. Remind yourself that setting a boundary is not a life-threatening event; it’s a healthy way to care for yourself. Say to yourself, “It’s okay to feel discomfort, but I can handle it, and I’m making a decision that supports my well-being.”
Live Your Values: Setting boundaries allows you to live in alignment with your values. When you say no to things that don’t serve you, you’re saying yes to what truly matters. Whether it’s preserving your time, energy, or emotional well-being, make sure your boundaries reflect your core values. This can include prioritizing self-care, maintaining healthy relationships, and preserving your energy for things that align with your goals.
Practice Self-Compassion: As you begin practicing boundary-setting, remember that this is a process. There will be moments when you feel anxious or guilty, and that’s okay. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would a friend. Recognize that you are learning new patterns, and give yourself grace as you work through the discomfort.
Consistent Practice: Over time, boundary-setting becomes easier and more natural. As you continue to practice, your nervous system will become less reactive. Gradually, your people-pleaser part will learn that boundaries don’t threaten connection—they strengthen it. And with each small victory, you’ll feel more grounded in your ability to live your values while caring for your own needs.
By understanding and tending to both your people-pleaser part and your nervous system, you create a solid foundation for healthier relationships and a more authentic, values-aligned life. With practice and patience, you can develop the resilience needed to set boundaries that honor who you truly are.
From Guilt to Growth: IFS-Informed Therapy in Fort Collins, CO
As you’ve explored in this post, working with your people-pleaser part can feel daunting at first. But with patience and compassion, that guilt transforms into growth. The initial discomfort of setting boundaries fades, replaced by empowerment, self-trust, and stronger, more authentic relationships.
The goal isn’t to silence or get rid of your people-pleaser part. Instead, it’s to help it feel supported and reassured, knowing you can navigate life’s challenges without sacrificing your own needs. Through this work, you’re not just learning to say no—you’re also learning to say yes to yourself and your values.
If you’re a woman in Fort Collins, CO, struggling with anxiety, people-pleasing, and perfectionism, IFS-informed therapy might be the next step on your journey. Together, we can build a more compassionate relationship with your inner parts and create healthier patterns that align with your goals and values.
Ready to take the first step toward healing? Click here to book a free consultation today. Let’s work together to turn guilt into growth, and help you feel more confident, connected, and at ease.
Alexis Ryan, MA, LPCC is a Fort Collins-based therapist who helps high-achieving and high-masking women overcome anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. She specializes in guiding clients toward deeper self-understanding and building more authentic, trusting relationships with themselves, their work, and those they care about. Through an IFS-informed and compassionate approach, Alexis empowers women to let go of self-doubt, embrace their values, and live in a more embodied, aligned way.
Outside of her practice, Alexis enjoys exploring Colorado’s trails, reading cozy rom-coms and fantasy novels, and staying grounded through simple joys.
Learn More about Alexis’s appraoch to therapy and wellbeing, here.